All my life, I had been looking for my prince.
You know, someone deep, someone sweet,
who could make me laugh...
Ashley and me talked on the phone all night and
I totally cracked her up with my witty jokes and funny noises,
And right from the very first second our chemistry was like...
hel-lo!
And we're both really sensitive.
We have this kind of artsy-fartsy going, so one day,
we made a painting...
Everything we do together is fun.
Fuck you, Dylan and Ashlee.
Jorge, Jorge... we've been over this before.
You can't smoke in Debby's.
No, man, I think you can.
I'm, I'm the manager here,
I'm fairly well versed in the rules, c'mon buddy put it out.
Don't you ever bend the rules?
No...
Corporate puppet.
How's your... food?
It's Saturday night, we're gonna do it.
We are gonna doooooo it!
Getting paid and laid tonight, bebe.
Paid and laid.
I, I don't even know what that means?
It means what we want it to mean, okay?
It means what we want it to mean. You dig?
Um, no, I don't...dig.
Ricky what is with you?
Come on, stop being such a buzzkill.
Now grab your cock and put on some socks,
cause we are gonna do this town up and do it right, senorrrita!
Paid and laid. We're doing it!
How exactly are we "doing it?"
Uh, well I don't know? Numero uno, hog, got you out of the house so there's that.
W is a W
I'm back where I work! It's a lateral move at best.
Alright well look... that's just round one of the festivities.
You're NOT going to believe round two.
Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, you're not going to believe round two.
Please stop repeating things please.
Soooo... when do you go into production?
Really, really not in the mood, nope.
When do you go into production?
Next month.
Great. So you go into production on your motion picture next month?
Is it fully cast yet?
No, no, it is, it is, not fully cast yet.
We're still uh, we're still looking for our, our last two actresses.
Wow, well just fantastic, that's just, that's just super.
That's just deluxe.
Now do they have to be well known or...?
Do they have to be... Ricky, Ricky, Ricky?
They have to be well known these actresses?
No, no, we're actually looking for two total newcomers.
This makes me happy as the film's director, because I like to work with fresh faces, so --
Uh... me too uh, as the movie's... executive producer...
Hey, man. Ahh, I can't work Saturday. Can I get a 'double' next week?
Oh sure, no problem.
Ah you know what,
these broken down fillies are just gonna get in the way of round two anyhow.
Round two, baby. Round two.
Yum, Yum.
Doing it long and doing it strong!
Maybe we should just shoot each other.
Hey, you seem a bit down man. What up, hog?
It's Saturday night and I'm with you.
Not for long, bebe. Not for long.
So when do you go into production--
Gary Kless is getting married.
Yeah, me too. Who cares?
Oh what's that, the actresses don't need to be fresh faces...?
That leaves just you and me. Just you and me.
We are the only two freaks from high school to NEVER be married.
Can I asked you a question? How the hell do you even know that?
I keep track on Facebook and Twitter.
God, Gary is so lucky, man.
Oh that's weird, I thought you get your period at the end of the month.
MEN don't get jealous of other MEN getting married!
Men should be jealous of us.
Oh, I strongly disagree.
Jesus, is why you've been Captain Negativo all night?
Cause that fat bastard Gary Kless is getting married?
There was this guy on Dr. Phil who said that it's as likely for a woman over forty
to get hit by lightning or,
or killed by a terrorist than meet a husband.
What if the same thing goes for men?
What if Gary just got lucky and he made a pact with God and/or Satan?
I can't go to another of these weddings alone.
It's just too depressing.
You're not going to be going alone okay man?
You're going to be going be with me.
That's...not comforting.
What is wrong with you? Haven't you seen "Wedding Crashers?"
Common, all those losers in our class are married off,
we're going to cleaning up bigger than Owen Wilson and Vinny Vaughn!
Hot filly. Three o'clock.
I forgot my compass.
She's right over there, look at her, look at her.
That girl is seventeen, tops.
So what? Means she's single.
You'd have sex with an underage girl?
I'm not a monster, no!
I'd take her out for cookies and milk shakes until the day she turned eighteen
and then plow her.
Sorry I misjudged you.
Should've proposed to Roz when we were together.
You dated her in high school.
I had no idea there would be so few good ones after that.
It's like, it's like in hockey, you know,
a team goes to the finals and loses, everybody says
"Hey you know don't worry, we'll get 'em next year"
what if there is no next year.
What if there is no other Roz and
I never go to the Stanley Cup finals of love ever again?
K, K if you hadn't mentioned hockey there,
that might have been the gayest thing I've ever heard.
Come on man! Get your game face on, d-o-g.
We have a wedding to crash!
First of all, we were invited...
second of all, all our friends are married.
There ARE NO single women!
What about the--
She's seventeen!
We don't know that for a fact! Jeez... would ya... okay you what...
I'm going in, okay...? I'm going in.
Please, God,
help me find my soulmate before I'm hit by lightning or
killed by a terrorist.
Oh, hey, Kings won.
Three goals and two assists, you're on fire.
NHL.com has pop-up ads for "E-Happily"?
What the hell. They NEVER have before...
You have no responses.
Yeah..
Hey, man.
Hey, Jorge. I was just checking the...the hockey scores, what's up?
Ahh, I'm gonna need next Saturday off too. I'm getting married.
What?
Yeah, I know, my mother's been on my case.
You're twenty-seven, you bum, what are you waiting for?
Twenty-seven really isn't that old.
So can I have Saturday off or what?
No.
What?
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I, I meant "yes." Of course... of course...
Jorge...
Where, where did you meet her?
Who?
E-Happily, man. It's surprisingly effective.
You have one response.
You found your wife?
Yep. Last night.
You went cruising without me?
Uhm we've never cruised and I didn't have to go anywhere.
Found her on my computer.
Oh... what porn site?
Wasn't a porn sit..."E-Happily!"
I...joined it last week.
What do you mean, you joined it?
Ah, I don't think I was being cryptic.
I joined E-Happily last week. To meet my soulmate.
And it worked.
Poor, sweet, crazy bastard you.
I've never been more sane.
This woman's perfect for me. Perfect!
Oh, she loves all the same things I do,
hockey, cats, Albert Brooks movies,
spooning after sex--
Alright whatever, what does she look like?
I don't know... and you should see the e-mails she wrote to me.
Funny, smart, sweet--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, just back up, hold the phone.
What do you mean, you don't know what she looks like?
She didn't post a picture for some reason.
Oh, that's a real puzzler.
It's 'cause she's a dude, she's a dude Ricky or looks like a dude.
No...
Listen hoggy dog. There's only that woman wouldn't post a picture?
'Cause, god bless her, she's obviously hideous.
Look, there's a million reasons she wouldn't put up a picture.
No, no... there's one, one... she looks like "Shrek."
What if she does? Did you learn anything from that movie?
It's what's inside that counts.
Yeah in fairy tales, you idiot, not real life!
Her name is Danita. What a beautiful name.
I've never heard that name before.
"Danita..."
You sure it isn't Dan
Ita? Like that's her last Ita, like Dan Ita
Can't you be happy for me?
Alright common You haven't even met this person!
I am, tomorrow. I'm meeting her at the Black Cat for drinks.
Look don't do this okay please Ricky, don't do this.
I have to, Seth.
Danita is my destiny.
Okay...
might want to bring a condom for Dan just in case.
Shut up.
What the hell is that in your head?
What are you doing here?!
You know, in case this dude tries to rob you.
Why are you wearing shoe polish on your head?
Bald is beautiful bebe.
It's not shoe polish! And, and bald is beautiful. Not balding.
True dat, true dat. Okay look, I'll be here at the bar.
Now if she turns out, you see I said she this time.
If she turns out to be a psycho, just wave or cough or something like that,
I'll stroll by and I'll say that uh...
your Mother died and you're needed at the cemetery, k?
I'm going to go to the table, please leave. Okay please...
Ricky... Ric, you're my primo amigo, common.
Ricky you've never met this woman before,
I just want to be here to make sure everything goes okay.
Thanks, man.
Ricky, Ricky...
you didn't, you didn't say that I'm you're primo am...,
I just, I just said that you're my pri a...
Good luck, bitch.
Ricky?
Ricky Miller?
How do you know my name?
I'm Danita...your date.
Holy shit!
Of, of course. Of course you're my date.
Yeah.
Unless you were expecting somebody else and
you're already cheating on me, you bastard.
No, no, I would never do that.
Okay...Sorry I called you a bastard.
It's okay...
You look a bit different than your picture.
I mean, better.
You too. Much better, since you didn't have one...
I, I... really look better than my picture?
I knew it was a good idea to use a picture of Steve Buscemi.
He's an off-beat looking actor--
He was in "Fargo" and he was 'Mr. Pink' in "Reservoir Dogs."
That was funny, Ricky.
Steve Buscemi...
So ummm, are you going to ask me to sit down?
No, no, keep standing, this, this seems to be working for me.
I can't believe one of your cats is named Sidney Crosby.
I told you I loved hockey. Field hockey and ice.
Am I dreaming this?
Cause then we'd both be dreaming and
then it would be like the movie "Inception" and
I walked out of that.
I, I hated that movie too!
Really?
Wow, I thought I was the only one.
No, no, I hated it too.
Hated it.
God... you know everything tonight has been so perfect.
Could you jab me in the eye with your spoon or set my arm on fire? I, I just.
I just, want to make sure that this is really happening.
How about I do this?
Holy shit!
Um, uh, could you excuse me for a second?
Um just gonna... slip into something more comfortable.
Go home!
Ohhh, she is like uber-movie-star-hot.
Is she crazy or just retarded?
Neither. She just likes me!
No, no, no, no there has to be a reason.
You're positive she can see... like out of both eyes?
Okay, I am begging you, go home. You're ruining this.
Okay, okay, okay, just, just do me one favor k?
If, if she's retarded,
can you see if she has any other retarded friends who look like her.
Stop saying retarded, it's actually offensive.
What are we, on Oprah here?
Good bye, good night, good night,
It's very vexing dog.
There's got to be a reason, has to be a reason.
Thought you were going to slip into something more comfortable.
Yeah, yeah, but I looked in the mirror and decided
I was "the bomb" also "off the hook,"
as the kids say.
Do kids still say that?
Yeah, kids over thirty-nine, yeah.
You're funny...
Funny how? What do you mean, funny?
Funny like a clown?
Sorry, oh my god, sorry I'm trying too hard.
I'm nervous.
You're nervous with me?!
Are you retarded?
I'm, I'm sorry it's just that I mean...
you're, you're gorgeous and amazing and...
why the hell are you here?
Excuse me?
Why did you choose someone like me?
I was just blown away by your E-happily profile.
But I used my real picture and I wrote down my real job.
Can we go back to your place now?
Yeah... okay... uh good idea, thanks.
I've never seen a man weep and climax at the same time before.
Thank you.
It's just, I've... I've been waiting all my life
for someone like you.
Exactly like you.
Right...
You're smart, you're sweet and you're Maxim cover beautiful and
it's like you don't even know it.
You love hockey and cats and Albert Brooks and,
and you get my jokes about obscure homely actors.
You're amazing, Danita.
You're beyond amazing. You're, you're 'amazing-tastic.'
Well you're not too bad yourself.
You asked before why I chose you. Do you still want to know?
I'm... not sure.
You were the only one who said "yes" to a date.
Yeah, right.
Yeah I didn't post a picture, remember?
You were the only one who wanted to go out with me,
even though you had no idea what I looked like.
Wow, so all those sitcoms and beer commercials were wrong.
It does pay to have depth.
Holy shit-balls, I have to go.
Holy-shit balls. I like that.
I would love to see you again.
I... hope you want to see me again too.
Yeah, I think I'm leaning towards that, yeah.
Sorry. I have to go. I...
say hi to your cats when they wake up.
Say hi to yours.
Put on ESPN and text me when you know the hockey scores.
You're incredible.
Do you have Alzheimer's?
I have Loveheimer's.
Hey! You haven't been returning my calls or texts all day.
What the heck happened?!
With what?
Now don't you dare be coy. Common I need details, dog.
Look I never thought I'd have to live vicariously through you...
Last night was unbelievable.
No, no it was better than that.
We stayed in bed and talked all night,
it was just like Dylan and Ashlee.
Who the fuck are Dylan and...
HOLD ON a second.
You...slept with that piece of...
lady, you slept with her?
And, I'm not even talking about the sex,
although holy crap, that was good.
Okay, o-kay!
What the hell is going on? What the hell is going?
What's going on!?
She's like a '10,' right?
I, I don't assign women numbers.
No, she's, she's a 10! That girl is a 10, you're like...
no offense Ricky, you're like a 4.
And, and... if you're a 4, she's like 20!
It's because I went out with her without knowing
what she looked like!
was sweet and real.
You are so naive, it's adorable.
Oh, no, no lunch is fine. I, I look better around noon anyway.
Not, not even joking about that actually.
It's just, nights aren't always great. It's when I paint and...
Yeah, yeah that is so cool.
You know I've never actually dated an artist.
Ah... actually, there are many professions of which
I have not dated a woman.
Did I just say "of which?"
Hey, ask first. I'm not a piece of meat.
Yes, you are.
I really, really do think that it's great you're an artist.
I mean what is that like?
Ummm... I'd prefer to talk about your job.
Why?
I'm sure it's interesting.
Well you know, you manage a staff,
and you try to make customers happy.
I've... you're going to have to trust me on that.
Than why do you do it?
Well I guess I prefer it to being homeless.
I, I... okay I started out as a waiter,
thinking I'd be an artist... Uh well a writer.
But you know, that didn't work out so...
Oh well you know... the, the book industry is so corrupt,
It's all who you know.
I've never heard that before.
Oh yeah, yeah it's like every son or daughter
of a famous author has a book deal.
Like who?
Ummm, there's, there's, there's um...
Mark Hemmingway? And, and there's Kevin Grisham.
Yeah, yeah I made those up, I'm sorry.
Okay the truth is, I, I only wrote one book and
I didn't even finish it.
You don't have to talk about this if you don't want.
Thank you so much.
Ac, you know actually I do feel comfortable
talking to you about my writing, or non-writing.
Um, I... feel like I could tell you anything.
God, sorry that, that's a stupid thing to say on a second date.
No, no, no, I thought it was sweet.
A bit pathetic, but sweet.
No, seriously, I loved it.
See? You really are the perfect woman.
Oh I... don't know about that.
Yeah, you are, you are. Trust me.
Hey! It's Saturday night, we are gonna do it.
We are gonna doooooo it!
Common, time to get paid and laid Ricky.
Paid and...
Come on, hog. It's been almost nine days!
I can't believe you're not over this chick yet.
Ten days! It's been ten days.
And stop saying "paid and laid!"
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!
No it doesn't, no it doesn't.
What, is someone gonna pay us to have sex?
Huh? Huh? What the fuck does it mean, cowboy?!!
I don't know it's just something I say...
to keep things light and airy.
Did you just call me "Cowboy" Ricky? Ric, Ricky.. you drunk?
Yes, I believe so.
Hey you don't drink.
I do now, hog! I do now.
I still don't know what the HELL happened.
I, I was... the perfect woman pops into my life,
I tell her she's perfect and she runs away faster than...
who's a fast woman?
Flo-Jo? Oh, shit, she's dead, isn't she?
I'm going to make you some coffee, man.
No I don't want coffee! I want Danita!
I finally met a woman I feel that that magical thing
assholes brag about at parties.
Please God, don't take her away from me.
Not after I've waited so long.
You're out of coffee.
Swissmiss?
It's Danita.
What?
It's Danita.
Ha, ha, ha. That's twice, God.
Shit, you're good.
Hey...
Hi...
You're not gonna to run out again, are you?
'Cause, this time, I'll just order an appetizer.
I'm so sorry...
No, no, it's okay,
I was just trying to diffuse an awkward moment.
Now I'm going to try and diffuse this one.
I like you, Ricky. I really like you.
I really, really, really like you.
That's the most 'reallys' I've ever said in one sentence.
Really?! Me too.
It's, it's funny because I've always hated
ALL those movies where,
where a couple falls in love right away,
but now I know it just pissed me off 'cause
it had never happened to me.
I'm married.
You said I was perfect, Ricky.
I'm not perfect. I'm a... I'm a jerk.
Yeah...
No I know it was wrong, I know.
Look, I've been married for nine years. Nine miserable years.
And just one day, I was at my friend Anna's place,
she's on E-Happily, and I saw your profile.
It was so vulnerable, so wear your heart on your sleeve sweet.
You, you said you'd been waiting all your life
to meet your "heart-ner,"
and what a sweet word, and that even though you were agnostic,
you prayed to God she was still out there.
Wow, you really did read my profile.
It got to me.
And I thought you know
maybe I don't have to be miserable and...
I just joined so I can meet you.
I just pretended to be single and an artist,
I just pretended to be the person
I used to be back when I was...
still alive and...
Do you really have cats?
Yes... Two. Sidney Crosby and Chairman Meow.
Cool, that's all I cared about.
Now can you just get a divorce and marry me by six tonight?
You're great, you're so great know that?
I can never see you again, Ricky.
Look you don't know my husband.
He'll just, he'll never allow me to leave him.
Never allow a 'great man' like him to be embarrassed...
Uh, who cares if his precious ego is bruised,
you're miserable and we should be together--
He'd kill me.
He would kill me. He's said that, again and again,
"if you ever walk out that door, you ungrateful bitch,
I will kill you."
Only he didn't say it quite as nice.
Jesus.
Yeah he's a bad guy, Ricky. He's a bad guy.
I didn't know that when I met him, but oh god...
he'd kill both of us right now if he saw us together.
That's interesting.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ricky. You...
you're "the one," and... I can never see you again.
My Hickory Grilled Chicken Sandwich isn't "hickory" enough.
Huh?
Am I not speaking English? I said it lacked hickory.
Well... that's life.
What?
I, I'm sorry... sir.
You wanted more of something and you were disappointed.
It hurts, doesn't it?
That's a little melodramatic.
Hello...
Holy shit-balls!
Yes, ya, ya, I will meet you anywhere.
Where?
God, is it good to see you.
I wanted to meet you here... this is my happy place.
I knew you'd love it too.
They um, they show movies up on that wall...
over the graves of dead movie stars.
They don't mind?
No one said anything.
Guess what movie they're playing tonight, Ricky.
Um...
Guess.
Ahhhh "Cool Runnings?"
I'm, I'm... really bad at guessing--
"Lost in America."
That's my favorite movie!
OMG, you read my whole profile.
Tonight was great.
I was so happy you called. Beyond happy.
Exultant.
I don't think I've ever used that word before.
I couldn't stop thinking about you.
I can't go back to my old life now.
I deserve to be happy. I...
I deserve someone like you.
So, when are you going to tell your husband you're leaving him?
Christ, how are you going to tell him
you're going to leave him.
I'm not going to tell him.
Uh but uh...
We have to kill him, Ricky.
That's the only way we can ever be together.
Yeah, okay.
Danita wants me to kill her husband.
Pardon?
She said if she ever tried to leave him,
he'd find her and kill her.
Wow what an asshole.
Well, at least you got a chance to say goodbye to her.
No, no, I'm going to do it.
Do what?
Kill her husband.
Ricky, you've never even killed a spider.
Oh it doesn't have to be violent you know.
I could kill him with pills or you know,
a lethal injection or something..
Lethal, lethal injection?
And you have access to lethal injection?
this discussion right now.
have you thought of this? What if you get caught?!
So what.
So what? So what?
I'm lonely and I work at a place called Debby's.
What exactly am I clinging onto here?
Ricky sit down, have a seat, sit.
I want you take six deep breaths,
in and out and go to the bathroom and take a leak.
What'll that do?
I don't know, but you're talking crazy right now.
I'm not. I've never met anyone like Danita and
I'll never meet anyone like Danita again.
To think anything else would be crazy.
Okay Ricky, Ricky she's married and,
and she wants you to kill her husband!
I know. But everything else is perfect.
Look, when you meet your soulmate and you're in your forties,
not everything is going to be ideal.
This is more than baggage!! Alright?!
Sorry, but I've made up my mind up. I'm gonna kill this mofo.
Ricky look, I want you to do me a favor, k.
I want you to go home and sleep on it, okay?
we'll talk about it tomorrow night over donuts.
There's nothing to sleep on. Besides,
I can't let that angel be a prisoner
in that monster's home anymore.
I'm, I'm doing it. With or without your help.
My help?
What the hell is that suppose to mean.
What do you mean by that? My help.
Well I, I just figured, you'd help me, since you know ...
You're my primo amigo too.
Okay dog I'm in, but you are gonna owe me big.
Thanks for opening up my world, Danita.
I've never been to a juice bar before.
You sure it's okay to leave work?
I'm the manager.
I have a lot of clout, but I try not to let it go to my head.
I thought we should talk now. Ben's at work and--
Ben?
My husband.
Oh. You've, you've never actually said his name before.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
You don't have to do this...
No, no, it was just easier when he didn't have a name.
"evil husband who will kill me if I ever leave."
I don't want you to do this.
I can't believe I even asked you to do this.
I just needed to get away from him and be with you and...
It's okay, sweetheart. Please don't be upset.
I still want to kill him.
Really?
Yes! Very much.
Oh I love you.
-I love you more. -I love you more.
I love you more plus six.
You knocked like a human being.
Is anything wrong?
There's something you need to see, man.
There's something you need to see right now.
What's that?
An old movie with William Hurt and Kathleen Turner.
You know, back when she looked like a chick.
Yeah. I know, it's Body Heat. I saw that movie.
With you.
Remember, neither of us could get dates--
It's time to watch it again, bebe!
Wow, wow that really holds up.
You know, lots of twists, it's compelling, it's well-written--
Okay thank you, Rex Reed.
She pretended to fall in love with the guy
so he would kill her husband!
but I actually thought was quite nice,
as played by Richard Crenna,
and then she set him up for the murder.
William Hurt trusted Kathleen Turner!
I mean she was being all crude and mysterious
there was all that saxophone music and stuff
Okay common man, you aren't the least bit dubious, dog?
Some '10' just roles into your life,
and then tells you all this crazy shit about her evil,
jealous husband, but then wait a minute...
she has a bunch of time to hang out with you,
so that's pretty weird...
Well ah, he obviously works.
Oh okay but wait hold on sec did you guys, you guys..
Yeah you went on a date, right?
That was a night, so and then oh you slept together which
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about Ricky,
Oh well, well maybe, maybe he was working that night,
or he was out of town,
or he went to sleep early...
you just can't stand to see me happy, can you?
No Ricky, I do not trust this woman.
Ah, ah okay. You don't trust any woman.
I don't trust some woman who wants you to kill her husband.
I trust her, completely.
And I am NOT going to let your negativity creep
into my mind like a 'Trojan Horse' virus!
That's a really bad computer virus I once got on my laptop...
You hear me?!
I got to talk to you!
I'm working.
You came to my office. During tax season!
It's the lunch rush, for god sakes--
Look I followed Danita.
After you met her. I went to her house. I, I saw her husband.
Yeah?
He's a rabbi.
What?
Her monster husband Ben is a rabbi.
How the hell do you know he's a rabbi?
Well he was wearing one of those Jewish hats.
The... the... Yamaha.
He was wearing a yarmulke?
That's how you know he's a rabbi?!
Okay don't talk down to me, hog.
I'm not an idiot, I know what I'm doing.
I followed him. To a bookstore.
Okay, you're starting to lose me here.
You didn't let me finish.
I followed him to a book store. He use to be a rabbi.
Now he writes mystery novels. About a 'crime solving Rabbi.'
He was doing a book signing.
Her evil husband is a mystery novel writing former rabbi?
Yeah. I even read one of his books.
In one sitting. I couldn't put it down.
I, I can't believe a retired rabbi
has gotten his books published and I--
Look, this doesn't change anything, you know.
He could still be a monster.
You know authors can be egotistical pricks and,
and a lot of clergymen are, are evil molesters.
No,no, hold on a second, no no.
There aren't any molesting rabbis.
Only priests do that.
Yeah, yeah, you know maybe all this makes more sense now.
Yeah!
She said that, that he was this "great man"
to embarrass him and now we see that he's this...
'published' author, this evil,
monstrous wife-threatening published author--
Or, or he's just a nice guy like Richy Crenna in Body Heat.
Just a nice, loaded guy who she wants you to kill
so she can get all his money and
make you take the rap, Ricky.
This is stupid.
No, it isn't k. We have to know if this guy's Hitler.
We can tell if he's Hitler from a book signing?
I can. I can read people. I'm an accountant.
You know it's probably not a good idea for you to be here.
He can't see you, in you're the guy pulling the trigger.
I, I haven't decided I'm going to shoot him.
Shoot him, poison him, trip him, whatever you want to do.
Trip him?
Yeah I don't know. Down a flight of stairs or something.
You can't talk about this in public.
What are you doing? Ricky what are you doing?
You're right, right good call, good call.
Hey, Mr. Jacobs.
Oh please, call me Ben.
Um, okay... Ben.
Yeah, any fan of mine is also a friend.
That's... a pretty cool way of looking at things.
Well seriously I wouldn't be anywhere
without my loyal readers.
Right, right. I guess you wouldn't...
Do you think it's okay to kill a woman if she leaves you?
What? No!
No, no...
Why would you ask such a question?
I don't know. Just making small talk.
You please sign this. Make it out to "Seth?"
Yeah...
There you go, man.
We still don't know he's not Hitler.
Hitler doesn't sign books with a smiley face.
Well, what did you expect him to do,
foam at the mouth and rotate his head 360 degrees?
to kill a woman if she's left him, he was against it, so...
He's obviously not gonna admit that he's okay...--
Look, Ricky she's already lied to you once.
How do you know she's not lying about this too?
I don't think she'd lie to me twice.
If, if I could just see them together, I'd know.
You see now that's a good idea.
We'll just plant the camera in their house!
You know how to do that?
But you know I once saw this show once
Oh my god the bitch shaking the baby,
stealing money, it was complete disaster.
We'll just break into her house and set one up.
You, you know how to break into somebody's home?
You know, it's easy to piss on every plan.
I'm, I'm sorry...?
Thank you!
You sure they come here?
The guy is a millionaire and he takes her to "Olive Garden?"
This ain't Olive Garden, hog. It's Pimento Garden.
How do they get away with that?
I dunno.
Okay great, looks like they're not here yet.
You remember the plan right?
Don't, don't, look it's a good plan okay!
You can make anything sound ridiculous by 'shorthanding' it.
-Let's just go. -No, no, no, noway amigo!
Look we go to make sure that she's not a femme 'fatal'
like Kathleen Turner.
It's femme fatale and she is NOT like Kathleen Turner!
Oh whatever, Sharon Stone or Denise Richards
whatever you want...
Denise Richards?
-I don't remember that movie. -You never saw Wild Things?
It was a classic, no?
Hey! How are you?
Hi... it's Seth, right?
Honey, this guy just came to a book signing.
I never forget the face of a fan.
How you doin'?
Wow, I can't, can't believe a big-time author like you
what a small world, it's, it's a small world
Isn't it, Ricky?
It's very small, it's very small.
Okay well, it was really great running into you , Ben,
we'll just let you get back to having dinner in private
with your wife so bye bye.
Wai, wai, wait. Nonsense.
-Why don't you two join us? -Pardon?
Well it's not every day an author gets to converse
with one of his fans.
And besides you deserve a free meal just for reading my books.
So what do you say, alright? Great, common.
Good times...
Okay, okay, okay.
So Seth, tell me what is it you like best about my books?
And please.
Don't spare a single detail. Unless of course it's negative.
Well, I like everything about them.
The suspense, the surprise twists, the characters... ya I,
I love how the killer is always the most unlikely, unassuming guy and--
Were you born in L.A?
Huh?
Uh, were, were you born in...
'Los An-gull-ese?'
Uh... was anybody?
Right...?
Well I was and Seth too.
Well, not Los Angeles, persay, but Sherman Oaks.
I'm from Pittsburgh originally.
know I, I first met Danita at a Pimento Garden,
she was a waitress there and
I proposed to her on a Saturday night and
we've been coming back to one every Saturday since.
No matter where we've lived.
Awww
I didn't know that.
I mean, why, why, why would he know,
why, why, why would he know... why,
why that mean, it's very romantic, it's very romantic...
Isn't it romantic, Ricky?
It's...Very romantic.
You, have been awfully quiet tonight, honey.
No, no, no I'm just listening.
Well, you can talk too.
I mean it's allowed.
Thanks.
Hell, I'm a modern man.
Yes, that you are.
Modern enough to give his beautiful wife
a little kiss in public.
Let's order.
Sorry, me hungry like a 'sumbitch.
Uhg..., that was great.
Benny you sure me and Ricky can't kick in
at least for the Cherry Pepsi?
Out of the question. My treat, please.
There ya go, thanks
Wow. What a nice guy.
Ya, I guess it's nice being a millionaire writer,
never having to worry about money.
Oh well, it wasn't always like that, believe me.
I mean, it took me years and years to make it as a writer
Wow, see, Ricky. I told you! It's never too late.
Ricky wrote this really cool book and then he just quit.
Aww. That's a shame.
I, I didn't write a book and I didn't quit.
I just got, you know... eighty pages into one,
a long time ago, and then I got a real job so...
Well, I love to read it.
Excuse me?
I'd love to read your eighty pages Ricky.
Here, I'll give you my card.
You can send it over and give me a call in few days and
I'll give you some feedback.
Go on take it, it's okay.
I can't believe the man I'm supposed to kill
is going to read my work.
I knew she was lying.
We still don't know that.
And she did seem uncomfortable around him.
What are you talking about?
When he tried to kiss her, she was uncomfortable, but he kept going.
He practically tongue-raped her.
Oh, whatever--
Oh ya. I forgot to tell you. I met a woman on E-Happily too.
Yeah, she's actually hot, at least her picture is, but...
oh umm, and if we ever do go on a date and
by chance you happen run into us,
she sort of thinks I am an astronaut.
Hello...
Hi, honey. God, I'm still shaking.
I, I can't believe we ran into each other like that--
It is a small world.
You handled yourself great, though.
Calm, poised, sort of, I hope I did too.
Where is he?
He's downstairs, I can just talk for a minute,
I wanted to die, him pawing at me and kissing me like that.
I just needed to hear your voice.
Umm, Umm, I'm glad you called.
Boy, he really didn't seem like the monster I imagined.
Nooo, he's good at fooling people.
Yeah Really good at it. I mean, generous, affable...
He almost fooled me.
Do you think I'm lying to you, Ricky?
No, no, it, it... I mean it's just, a little odd.
You told me he's this evil guy who threatened to kill you
and he used to be a rabbi--
How did you know that?
Huh? Seth told me.
He Googled him and checked his website and--
You didn't just run into us tonight, did you?
You knew we were going to be there.
No, no. Okay, yeah, uh but you know Seth just wanted
to make sure you weren't using me or,
or trying to set me up--
Yeah, yeah of course. I, I trust you, Danita.
Totally. I always have.
Goodbye, Ricky.
Hey, hog.
What are you doing here?
I'm meeting my E-Happily chick.
Hey look, I was wondering if you can do me a solid,
maybe come over and break things up
if she doesn't look like her picture.
Oh, you know what you can do?
Say my Mom just died and I'm needed at the cemetery--
No.
Hey! I'm helping you kill a guy.
Sorry. I should probably lower my voice.
That's, that's not happening anymore.
What?
Danita's pissed at me.
She thought I didn't just run into her the other night.
She thought I went there because I didn't trust her.
I don't, I don't want to pick sides, the girl is right,
Because YOU put all that thought in my head!
It's easy to be a Monday morning quarterback and
blame it all on me, but...
That's her! She IS her picture, wish me luck, dog.
Snail.
could you come by our table and ask me something 'astronaut-y.'
Hello, Seth.
Um, maybe we should get a table?
Yes! Oh yes, of course, yes. I have a lot of pull here.
So Garcon.
That is French.
And why wouldn't you know that? I'm a moron.
Relax, tonight you're going to get paid and laid.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It was a phrase I took from your profile.
I thought it was very funny.
Oh, oh right! I see! Ah shit I thought you were serious.
Pardon my French. And I apologize for that.
I didn't mean to imply that French is course,
or, or that it is obscene or that it is a gutter language.
French is not a gutter language
All my life, I had been looking for my prince.
Danita, I, I, I need to talk to you, please call me back--
Look I'm sorry I didn't trust you,
but Seth kept making me watch "Body Heat" and
and "Wild Things"--
Jesus, Seth!
Talk to me.
Look, look, it's my fault k.
Seth got into my head and
I started obsessing and getting all suspicious, but,
but that's no excuse
I was using you.
What...
At first.
I've told you the truth about my husband.
He would kill me if I tried to leave him.
He controls every dime of mine
so I could never pay to have somone... one day,
I went on a dating service to look for someone desperate.
And they just...matched me up with you.
I, I, I figured that any man willing to go on a date
with a woman without even seeing her picture,
might be willing to go along with just about anything.
No but then I met you and it just... everything changed.
I just... fell in love with you.
Uh-huh...
I did, Ricky, I did. I, I really did. I'll be honest.
At first when I read your profile,
I couldn't believe anyone that sweet could actually exist.
I mean I even snickered when I read the word "heart-ner" the first time...
then I met you and...
you were just... you are that sweet in person and ...
I love you,
I love you from the bottom of my heart, Ricky.
And I, I know you have no reason to believe me, but I-
Goodbye, Danita.
Yeah okay, I guess that's what I deserve.
Goodbye, Ricky. I'm so sorry, Ricky.
You're my soulmate and I screwed it all up.
Swear on Albert Brooks.
What?
Swear on Albert Brooks that you love me.
If you're lying, he'll be struck dead.
And also one of your cats.
I swear.
I swear on Albert Brooks and Chairman Meow.
I love you, I love you Ricky. With all my heart.
Oh God. I love you too, Danita!
Um listen, uh...there's something
I probably should have told you.
Um well it's something you've probably noticed already.
My...whole head was a lie.
It's okay, you look more beautiful without your makeup.
It's back on.
What?
"Operation Kill The Rabbi."
It's a go
Pound it.
What, what exactly... is our "Operation?"
You know what, I don't know.
I was thinking shoot him, trip him?
Right now is not a good time, bebe.
Up to my ass in "1099's. Okay.
You want me to give your husband my novel?
Yes. Just like he asked.
Then you can come over one night to... discuss it,
face to face, where you can absorb all his comments and
then you'll have the perfect opportunity-
I'm not sure it's ready.
What?
The eighty pages.
You know, I haven't even proofed it yet and--
You're not sending it to him so he'll give it to his agent!
You're giving it to him so you can get invited
into his home and kill him.
It's just, it's been a real long time
since anyone's read my stuff and I...
Sorry, I'm reaally nervous.
Me too, honey.
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
Maybe we can just get in your car and drive away,
far away, you and me, right now.
I'd have to give Debby's two weeks notice.
Sorry, I was sure you were kidding.
Let's just get away.
Maybe he won't kill me like he says he will.
Yeah, okay, he's killed before, but...
Oh yeah he killed his first wife.
And they couldn't prove it, but he did.
The prick even made it into the plot of his first, first book.
Genius murderer gets away with killing a cheating wife.
Christ...
His family warned me.
Till the day I married him, it's just I never listened.
No, no, no hey, at least you have good taste in men now.
"How to buy a gun..." Oh Shit.
They can trace Google searches, idiot!
Uh, uh, smiley face? "LOL"--
Hey, man, can I talk to you for a second?
Sure. What up, dog?
I'm gonna need some more time off.
Yeah, okay, 'whatev's.'
Oh, hey, you know, Jorge there's something I,
I always wanted to ask you.
Um do you know anybody who sells guns?
Excuse me?
Oh well, it's for my...father.
He likes to hunt deer... I, I don't condone it, but you know,
gives him pleasure and his birthday is coming up so...
Why would you think I would know somebody who sells guns, huh?
'Cause I'm Hispanic?
No, no, of course not.
I, I didn't mean anything. Honestly--
it's just that this is how stereotypes get perpetuated and--
Couldn't agree more and I'm sorry I asked.
You know what? I just remembered.
My brother and sister sell guns.
This is stupid... shouldn't we be at a,
a shooting range or something.
Witnesses, dog.
Use your head, k.
It's totally discreet here.
Ah! Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was discreet.
Couldn't you have asked the busboy
for a silencer or something?
Sorry, first gun, forgot to ask for accessories.
Alright, you know what, I'll show you how to do it, hog.
You got to.., aim the, aim the.
Now don't hold the trigger yet, no, no don't hold...
what are you a gangster... Put it straight up, okay,
now make sure your forearm needs to be in line with the barrel.
Needs to be in line... no straight,
don't turn your elbow in or else you're going to loop.
This is going to dislocate immediately.
Okay look, no, no, no, you got to stay, you got to stay square.
Okay you have no power there.
Look at it through that eye. The eye closest to the, to the.
You know what, you don't have to shoot him.
No, no, no. I want to shoot him.
That's how this murderer deserves to die.
Murderer?
Well yeah, he killed his first wife, totally got away with it.
No, no, no, I think you're thinking of Ben's first book,
which is a great read by the way.
I highly recommend it.
No, no, Danita told me he did that.
In real life.
How do you know she's telling the truth now?
I looked into her eyes.
Oh, good, great, I feel really good about this now.
Did you at least think to Google the guy
to see if he even HAD a first wife?
Okay, okay. You know what your problem is?
Seriously, seriously you know, I think you need to hear it.
This may hurt you but I...
I really think you need to hear it.
Okay Dr. Phil, what's my problem?
Okay, you are so emotionally immature,
so afraid of any kind of serious relationship that
you mistrust every woman so you don't have to make a commitment.
I see...
Yeah, I mean, I'm your best friend,
so I really felt like I had to say it.
Really?
Then why did I propose to Tracey at the end of our first date?
I was going to surprise you with the news.
Tonight. Over a hot dog and soup.
But nooo you had to ruin it by saying
all those hurtful, hurtful, hurt...
Yeah, I dunno, I guess I was hit by lightning too, dog.
I mean... she's attractive and she said I was her type--
and nobody ever tells me I'm their type --
so the words "will you marry me",
I dunno they just kinda of slipped out of my mouth,
like 'sappy Tourette's' or something like that.
And. what did she say?
Yes! She said yes! We're getting married in a month.
Wow, wow, that is unbeliev.... I'm, I'm proud of you, man.
Thank you Ricky, me too.
Actually I told her I wasn't an astronaut
about a half hour after I popped the question.
She was a little weirded out by that,
but she didn't retract her "yes" and--
No, no, no, I'm happy for you. It's just...
now I'm the LAST guy from high school to never be married.
Ricky, you got to keep your arm in line with the barrel!
Ben Jacobs,author, first wife
I'm so sorry I didn't trust you, Danita.
I'll never use Google again.
Hello...
Mr. Jacobs.
It's, it's Ricky. You know, the, the 80-page writer.
Ricky! Hey!
Oh... yeah... I hope I'm not bothering you, but I,
I just wanted to let you know that I just messengered you my book--
Oh excellent. Well I'm really looking forward to reading it.
Listen, uh, uh after you read it,
I'd love to talk to you, uh, uh, face to face,
so I can absorb all your comments, you know, so, uh--
Why don't you come over for dinner?
That's... just what I was about to ask you. Um, I mean,
I hope it's not too much trouble.
No, no, trouble at all.
How's Sunday?
Thanks bye.
Oh, I just got off the phone with Ricky and
he's coming over for dinner Sunday night.
Ricky?
Yeah, I'm... reading his book, honey, remember.
Oh yeah, right... yeah
Is it okay with you that I invited him to dinner?
Of course.
Okay good.
Hi, baby.
What's wrong?
I think Ben may know about us.
Christ!
Sorry.
No. Why?!
Cause, might, you know, he may try and kill me first.
Oh, right.
Hey.
No, what am I saying?
He'd never kill you in his own house. He'd take you somewhere else.
How do we know he doesn't have after-dinner plans?
Ah... I bet he was just trying to scare me. You know what,
if he really thought we were having an affair, you'd be dead already.
Oh...key-doke.
I love you, Ricky.
I love you more, plus seven.
Oh, after dinner, he'll take you up to his office to discuss your book,
so as soon as he walks up the first few steps,
just shoot him twice in the back of the head.
Oh, I should probably make sure he gets up first.
Cause otherwise, if I walked in front of him,
I'm going to have to reach around him to get access to the back of his head
I'm... sorry, I'm rambling.
You'll do great.
Thank you, baby.
Please stop staring at me Jesus.
K, cool.
You can't barely see your face.
Why you wearing a Minnesota cap?
Oh, it's, it's a Montreal Royals cap.
It's, it's the first minor league team Jackie Robinson played for,
I mean you saw that movie?
Harrison Ford and Chadwick Boseman, it was really, it was a were superb.
And, and a delightful turn by John C. McGinley--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just relax, okay?.
all you have to do is kill a guy while his back is turned.
Okay and don't forget,
the barrel of the gun should be in line with your forearm-
Oh will shut up with that alright!
Trying to help, Ricky.
I'm sorry I yelled, man.
Yeah, well, I mean I guess you got a lot on your plate.
Look um, when the deed is down just text me...
"the rabbi sleeps with the gefilta fishes",
I'll help you guys dump the body, okay?
You're a primo amigo plus, man. You know that?
I gotta...
You got to go.
Yeah I got...
You got, you got.
It's okay honey, you keep on writing. I'll get the door.
How you doing?
Okay. I think.
Hello, Ricky.
Welcome to our house.
Ben will be out in a minute.
You really do have cats. I love you.
I love you.
Ricky... Hi welcome.
So, are you nervous?
Excuse... me?
Are you nervous?
Why would I be nervous?
Because you're getting an evaluation on your work tonight
by a best-selling author.
Right. Yeah.
Yeah I'm nervous as shit.
How's your Chicken Diablo, Ricky?
You barely touched it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, here we go.
Delicious.
Tres succulent.
Yeah, Danita is a great cook.
I, I sometimes forgotten that because
I let her order food a lot,
oh let her...
well, you know I spoil her a little bit.
Don't I, honey?
Yes, you're very generous.
Oh hey, I wasn't fishing for a compliment, but thanks.
You're welcome
I really liked your book, Ricky.
Thank you...
I know I said I was going talk to you about it after dinner,
to tell you how much I liked it.
You sure you don't want to wait until after dinner and
talk to him upstairs,
you know, in your office where you won't be distracted--
What did you like about it?
Oh I, I liked the characters,
the pacing but why in the world
did you stop after eighty pages?
I mean I can't wait to see how it ends.
Wow? Really?
but don't know time passes and you of lose perspective...
you really liked the pacing?
Sorry, I'm just I... not used to praise.
Well, you better get used to it.
Because after you finish it,
I plan on sending it to my publisher.
Oh my god, thank you!! Oh my...
But I did have a few notes for you.
Uhm and I think Danita's right.
We can probably focus better upstairs.
So after dinner. In my office.
Is that okay, Ricky?
Yeah, yeah that's, that's cool.
Excellent, great.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
Me too.
Oh hey, you think there's any chance that we could uh,
uh... call the,
the publisher right now and you know get,
get the ball rolling?
You know what, notes first I think.
Well, let me put the dishes away.
You two go upstairs and have your little talk.
She still insists on cleaning up herself,
even though I can easily afford help.
Ahh, she's great.
Isn't she great, Ricky?
Yes. Very nice.
Glad you agree.
Okay, time for the big moment.
You ready?
Oh God, I hope so.
Oh common, let's go do this, common.
Uhm, well, why don't you lead the way.
Since, it... is your house.
Why don't we go somewhere else and talk about your book.
Somewhere a little more inspiring.
Oh and honey, you come too.
I think it's going to be fun.
Thanks for driving, honey.
Gives me more time to chat with Ricky.
Where... are we going?
To a very special place.
This place is very important to me.
It's where I first came up with the idea...
that my wife was cheating on me with a loser like you.
I'm sorry, honey, I lied to you.
That night you thought I was doing a book signing,
I was actually parked right over there... Yeah.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It was all my fault.
Just please don't hurt him--
Hey, hey, can you please just shut the fuck up, honey?
I'm trying to converse with our dinner guest.
Don't swear at her.
How chivalrous, Ricky.
You know, I'm surprised you're still single.
You're a real catch.
Look, why don't you just let her go?
You, you don't even love her.
Wow. That is just so impressive.
You know exactly what's in my heart.
You don't have a heart.
Now you see, that one hurt.
Ben, please, please no, please no.
I'll stay with you, I'll do anything you want--
I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!
Whoa, hey!
Don't ever do that again, wife-killer.
Now, now Ricky, that was never proven.
And it never will be.
Oh, come on.
We both know a little restaurant manager like you
doesn't have the guts to pull that trigger.
Y...Yes, Yes...I...do.
That might have sounded more persuasive
without the stammering.
You know, this has been hard, Ricky, you know,
really hard, going through this farce.
Eating with you, being friendly to you,
reading your book.
Yeah, I think that was the hardest part.
Reading your book.
Yeah. It wasn't easy to pretend that crap was good.
I mean it was just awful, poorly written, run-on sentences,
a clumsy attempt at suspense and wit, terrible pacing--
He's... dead.
Holy shit!
You did it, dog.
Pound it.
Hi, Danita. How's it going?
Um... okay. Thanks for helping Seth.
No problem....
He's still alive!
No Sorry. False alarm.
Hah that's just the wind.
He's still dead.
Okay, you better go home.
You sure I can't help you dump the body?
Oh honey, that is so sweet, but everything has to look normal.
You have to show everybody you're home.
Answer every phone call, turn on a bunch of lights--
-I love you. -I love you.
I love you more.
I love you more, plus eight.
Don't, don't drive so fast.
You're serious? You just killed a guy.
You worried about a speeding ticket?
I don't want a cop to stop us, idiot!
Right, right, right.
I'm sorry, I'm nervous, why am I so nervous?
There's a dead body in the trunk and you're an accountant.
You work at Debby's, that's not that much more macho.
No, I didn't mean it as a dig.
Of course you didn't.
That's not a good dig.
I'm so nervous!
Okay..."Plan A." We dump him in the ocean.
Won't we need to rent a boat or something?
We can't just place him in the shallow end.
And you're not that great of a swimmer.
I'm, I'm not that bad. I'm not that bad.
C'mon, you never even go in the deep end.
I was accidentally dropped in a pool by my mother
when I was a baby. It was very traumatic.
I know, I know I'm sorry.
Ah crap, it's almost midnight.
We wouldn't even be able to rent a boat if we wanted to.
See... I got it, I got it.
We'll dump him off a cliff!
Becau.. no we can't right, because you have a fear of heights...
condominium when I was little.
Oh...
Sorry to put this murdering scum beside you, Mr. Dead Movie Star.
Hey... Hey... Hey!
Oh, sorry, sorry...what is it?
You okay, man? Shit, man.
You've been like in your own world the last two weeks.
No, no, I'm fine. What is it?
That guy over there wants to talk to you.
Jesus!
Wha, what does he want?
I don't know, man. He said he wants to talk to you.
Okay, thanks.
Hello, Officer. Uh, you, wanted to talk to me?
You Ricky Miller?
Yeah, yeah.
I got something I got to ask you.
Okay...
You know this woman?
No.
Oh, oh. Oh wait... I do, I do.
That's a... this is, this is my Aunt Toby.
I knew it. Me and you are related, man.
Yeah! Toby Miller, she my aunt.
She once mentioned she had a nephew who manages a Debby's.
but I'm really big into that 'family tree' kind of thing...
No, no, it's, it is not dumb at all, it is,
it is great that you care about family trees.
I mean it's, it's fucking fantastic.
Hi, honey. I'm home.
Ricky...
I've missed you so much.
It's been so hard not even being able to text you.
I know, I know. But we have to be careful.
That's why it was so smart to meet here.
No one would expect to find a Jew in here.
You're Jewish?
No. I thought you were.
You know, cause you're married to the...
He was a rabbi who liked shiksas and he also ate pork.
The police have been questioning me.
I think they always suspect the spouse first.
At least they do on "48 Hours" and "American Justice."
Wait, you watch those shows too?!
Oh, those are my two favorite shows on TV!
Wait, have you ever seen "True Crime with Aphrodite Jones?"
Shut up! I love that.
It is bat-shit crazy how much we have in common.
I love you so much, baby.
I love you more plus... wait what are we at?
Nineteen.
Nineteen. Twenty.
Sooooo, what do you think?
I don't know...
I'm getting married on Saturday. I want to look dapper.
Which one?
Oh Sorry. That one!
Yeah, yeah I thought so too, it's definitely the better...
less blue... good..hey, where's Danita?
I've been trying to get hold of her
to invite her to the wedding-
You can't invite her!
I have to invite her. She's your girlfriend.
Are you insane? We can't be seen together.
Alright, alright, relax,
I couldn't get a hold of her anyway.
She probably changed her number and
then I went by her house and her neighbor said
she saw her leaving with a bunch of suitcases.
Where was she going, man?
Oh Shit, you knew, you knew that, right?
Hey guys...
Hey... Ricky.
There he is huh?
It's Saturday night and you are gonna dooooo it.
Time for you to get paid and laid and
find yourself a soulmate, huh?
No... I already got hit by lightning and found a soulmate.
Now it's time for me to get killed by a terrorist.
Oh C'mon Ricky, you'll meet someone else.
Look, it took me over forty years to find the first one.
Now it'll take at least that, and by then I'll be in hell.
That's not true.
You're such a sweet man, Ricky.
And why would you ever go to hell?
God, I can't keep this in anymore.
About nine months ago, I--
He stole a Snapple.
He stole a Snapple, he's been bent up about it ever since,
The Snapple that you stole, from the store.
Yeah, I stole a Snapple. Just for the thrill.
Hey!
Hey, cuz!
Hey.
Hey, hey, good to see you again. How's it goin'?
Not bad, can't complain...
How's work?
Ah, you know. So how's...work for you?
Interesting...
was at the station before when a serial killer came in and
confessed to a bunch of murders.
He even confessed to killing that guy, what's his name,
the author who died last year--
Ben Jacobs!
Um, I, I... believe that was his name.
There, there were those articles on, the internet-
Ben Jacobs, that's it... yeah!
So... so someone confessed?
Yeah.
Holy shit!
Yeah, I tell ya, you get these nut jobs that come in,
they confess to murders they didn't even commit,
but this guy... really convincing.
Yeah, I wasn't even there and I believe him.
So we arrested him and I hope the bastard fries!
I hope he fries and they hang him.
That's a little excessive, cuz.
Holly shit.
You again, God?
Oh that was so sweet... and a little sick.
Why would you let an innocent, um...
serial killer get punished for something I did?
My life is over anyway.
You like "Lost in America" too?
Oh my god.
You must have hated me.
You must have thought I ran away and that I'd never come back.
Yeah, it kind of crossed my mind.
The police were starting to suspect me, more and more,
so I ditched my phone, any record of you and...
I knew we wouldn't be able to stay away from each other.
So I got on a plane and flew half way around the world and
just kept of flying and kept on running...
and then...I heard something on the news about a killer
that was arrested back in America
for the murder of Ben Jacobs.
I'm pretty sure he's innocent.
Me too.
The police seem to believe him though.
It's crazy... how could this happen--
I pray to a deranged deity.
I'm so sorry, Ricky.
You must have thought I was one of those... you know,
'movie bitches,' like Seth kept warning you about--
No, no, I could never think you're one of those bitches, never.
Okay, maybe a few, times, okay, several times,
in my, smallest, darkest moments--
oh my god, I love you.
I love you more, plus infinity.
I love you more, plus double infinity.
I love you more, plus triple... oh, Holy shit-balls, you win.
I was a... widow,
and I thought it was too late to meet a soulmate,
that I'd have a better chance of getting hit by lightning,
and then one day, the perfect guy appeared.
I used to work here, but then I met Danita, my inspiration,
my, my muse, and a, now I've written two best-sellers and
one of them might even be made into a movie...
with Ashton Kutcher.
And he's gotten me to start painting again too.
We both love cats and hockey and Albert Brooks and
going out to romantic places...
Though, we do tend to disagree from time to time...
About... who loves who more.
Fuck you, Ricky and Danita.
Every Heart Needs a Heart'ner
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